Thursday, April 01, 2004
Aw fuck, I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe it's because I just broke down like it was my job, despite having managed to stay pretty upbeat the past week or two. It's just, she's not coming back. She's never coming back. In the end, I'm in love with a woman who ended up more in love with a school, and the people there, than she ever did with me.
And it just hurts, it hurts so much to know you're alone again; to know she's not thinking about you while she twiddles her thumbs in class. To know that after all this shit we go through every semester, she won't be waiting for me at the other end. To know that she's moved on and it's just you and your regrets. To know that I've only got myself to live for yet again. Knowing that when you look at yourself in the mirror, it's just not enough without seeing someone standing next to you, getting excited over your complete geekness.
I never got to see her again, I said goodbye the last day I saw her, with a smile on my face knowing I'd see her again. But I never got that chance, so reality passed me over. To me, she's still the dream I knew since the day I first met her, left to rot in my head because that's all I remember.
Oh I look all right, but most of the time I sit idle my mind won't shut up. It won't block out images it shouldn't think about, it won't stamp out hopes that are pointless. I'm supposed to be grateful, that I had a meaningful relationship, but then another part of me goes, "Hey! w-w-where'd it go?"
I beginning to wonder if it would ever come to choosing between life goals and love, but it becomes clearer when it's taken away from you, and you realize how pointless econometrics, statistics, and indifference curves are when you don't have that someone gazing at you while you tell them about it, not caring what it means, just caring because they love you when you get excited about your work.
Keeping busy doesn't help. What's the point? Why go to grad school, get a great degree and job, if you don't get the girl in the end (I'm not saying I had the dream of a house and a wife and kids, far from it, but my point is that love trumps work). My point is that we can't be alone. We're not made that way.... I went for so long without everyone, but I coped. Having a girlfriend was just one of those things that would happen someday if you were lucky, but there wasn't much else you could do about it. Then suddenly it happened, and by god, I realized there was a whole level of happiness that I didn't even know existed, and I believed in it. I still believe in it, but it's hard to when she decided to hurt me when she wanted me to leave. It's hard knowing that she could say some of those things, because something else mattered to her.
It's hard knowing she's a different person, a person that scares you because you don't understand them at all, when you used to be able to read them like a book, one of those books that you love so much you read once a year, even though you know how it'll turn out....
How can I move on? How can I end a story that ended without me? Oh of course I'll get over it some day, but it doesn't mean I can't pine a little bit here and there, and miss the little notes she left me on IM, or feel sad when I make myself take down her picture, knowing that she isn't smiling for me anymore.
And it just hurts, it hurts so much to know you're alone again; to know she's not thinking about you while she twiddles her thumbs in class. To know that after all this shit we go through every semester, she won't be waiting for me at the other end. To know that she's moved on and it's just you and your regrets. To know that I've only got myself to live for yet again. Knowing that when you look at yourself in the mirror, it's just not enough without seeing someone standing next to you, getting excited over your complete geekness.
I never got to see her again, I said goodbye the last day I saw her, with a smile on my face knowing I'd see her again. But I never got that chance, so reality passed me over. To me, she's still the dream I knew since the day I first met her, left to rot in my head because that's all I remember.
Oh I look all right, but most of the time I sit idle my mind won't shut up. It won't block out images it shouldn't think about, it won't stamp out hopes that are pointless. I'm supposed to be grateful, that I had a meaningful relationship, but then another part of me goes, "Hey! w-w-where'd it go?"
I beginning to wonder if it would ever come to choosing between life goals and love, but it becomes clearer when it's taken away from you, and you realize how pointless econometrics, statistics, and indifference curves are when you don't have that someone gazing at you while you tell them about it, not caring what it means, just caring because they love you when you get excited about your work.
Keeping busy doesn't help. What's the point? Why go to grad school, get a great degree and job, if you don't get the girl in the end (I'm not saying I had the dream of a house and a wife and kids, far from it, but my point is that love trumps work). My point is that we can't be alone. We're not made that way.... I went for so long without everyone, but I coped. Having a girlfriend was just one of those things that would happen someday if you were lucky, but there wasn't much else you could do about it. Then suddenly it happened, and by god, I realized there was a whole level of happiness that I didn't even know existed, and I believed in it. I still believe in it, but it's hard to when she decided to hurt me when she wanted me to leave. It's hard knowing that she could say some of those things, because something else mattered to her.
It's hard knowing she's a different person, a person that scares you because you don't understand them at all, when you used to be able to read them like a book, one of those books that you love so much you read once a year, even though you know how it'll turn out....
How can I move on? How can I end a story that ended without me? Oh of course I'll get over it some day, but it doesn't mean I can't pine a little bit here and there, and miss the little notes she left me on IM, or feel sad when I make myself take down her picture, knowing that she isn't smiling for me anymore.
