Monday, August 02, 2004
God's worst attempt ever
When I woke up this morning and looked out the window, I saw not what I expected to see; I saw a lovely moist South Carolina morning. What I didn't see was the four horsemen of the apocalypse riding in on the winds of Tropical Storm Alex as the Weather Channel would have me believe.
Yes, after careening towards the Carolina coast, with Myrtle Beach marked within that red area that designates the possible ground zero, tropical storm Alex should be giving us hell right now. Instead, the poor man's hurricane has parked his tired ass just off of our coast, and is sitting there, giving us the evil eye.
The Weather Channel is, as usual, trying to make the storm look like the antichrist. I'm suprised the Bush administration hasn't jumped on the bandwagon and proclaimed Alex to be an Iraqi weapon of mass destruction. The number one danger, according to the bright young people at the Weather Channel, is the prevalence of riptides. Yes, if you are swimming out in the ocean when there's a tropical storm nearby, you too may be carried out to sea by one of these dangerous currents. So please, wait until Alex is looking the other way before you dive into the Atlantic. If you do get carried out to sea, don't bother screaming, you're only going to carry more of the lemming-like tourists out there with you.
Am I that worried about Alex? I mean, couldn't it wreck ultimate destruction upon my home, and therefore my desktop? In comparison to some of the hurricane jocks we've seen on the Carolina coast, Alex is nothing more than a 98 pound weakling. If the Weather Channel hadn't treated it like it was the first chapter in the Left Behind series, then the locals probably would have just shrugged it off as a bad set of thunderstorms and wind.
I guess we've all been a little numb to these things since hurricane Hugo hit in 89'. That royal heavyweight ploughed right into South Carolina. Even the locals in Clemson probably remember feeling that one. The area around my house and the local university's campus lost about 50% of its trees. I slept through it, much to my disgust the next morning. All I got to enjoy was four days without power, during a typical SC summer.
Hurricanes really haven't been a big deal ever since, except for the severe flooding we had after... Fran? Floyd? I can't remember the horrible names we hand out. Every year the rest of the country crosses their fingers that the little embarassment called South Carolina will be obliterated, so I often go out and shoot hoops in our drive way as the hurricane passes overhead. Sure, some shots go a little wide, but it still makes for a fun game.
At least we get some good news coverage when we do get slammed, right? Unfortunately, whatever hurricane destroys Myrtle Beach will also take out a few towns in North Carolina, which always gets more airtime than South Carolina. We're the annoying brother that is kept in the back of the house, while NC is shown off to the guests. I guess that's explains the behavior of people from Fort Mill:
"Where are you from?"
"Oh, I'm from Charlotte.."
"What part?"
"Fort Mill"
"That's a different fucking state!"
"So? It's close enough.."
"Poor excuse! No matter how close you are to North Carolina, you're a South Carolinian, so live with it!"
