Tuesday, March 22, 2005
And very sea-mark of my utmost sail
We have not yet reached the time for saying goodbye. I doubt we are truly ready for it, as in the past, when we retreat from each other under the covering fire of sweltering heat, we always have anticipated a return. In the meantime we bare our thoughts to each other over this electric landscape.
But is this exposure really a component of friendship? Or is a cop-out, an excuse not to have to discuss our thoughts in real life. Have we cheapened real disclosure by favoring this distance self-inflicted breach of privacy?
I ask because what we all face is this electronic upkeep of feelings and discussion, and nothing more. Our summer will never end, and we’ll never help each other move back in again.
For some of us, this reality has hit home more than others. Some will be leaving to distant places. Many will remain close to home. Our decisions will have a profound effect on the realities we most face, and the sacrifices we must make.
This blog is not a good-bye. That will be saved for traditional Hollywood style: a shaking of hands or a warm embrace. My intention is to explain my personal goodbyes, and how they fit into the sacrifices I have decided to make.
Those that read this know, to some extent, my plan of action. The course I plan to pursue is rigorous. No longer will the difference between an A and a B+ be riding on my personal perseverance. In a relatively short time-span (9 months) I’ll have to prove to the right people than I should be allowed to progress from Goal A to Goal B. There is no room for hesitation or procrastination.
Computer games were always my procrastination of choice. I don’t exactly know why, but I’ve always enjoyed them. When faced with particularly difficult semesters, I’ve been forced to cut back or eliminate my consumption of role-playing games, first-person shooters, and real-time strategy. Despite all this, I sense that it isn’t enough. Procrastination still prevails too often, as it has taken up residence in our electric community.
All of the journals, all of the blogs, message boards, websites, online profiles, instant messaging, and various other facets of our online community have filled the gap. Thus, in order to close up that gap, I have to eliminate the ties that exploit it. This means no personal blogging, no instant messaging. This means no long debates, no shooting terrorists in LAN games. This means no updates on personal lives either way. This means almost complete silence.
I understand if this all sounds a little dramatic, but I believe that it is warranted, considering the path I have chosen to take. I have already made sacrifices in the name of my goals; I have already hurt people dear to me, those that never deserve it. To give myself anything less than a 100% fighting chance would be treason against myself.
This August, when I leave for the UK a month or so before I begin my work, I’m going to either abandon my main blog, or switch to a new one that is not associated with the livejournal community. I’ll either abandon instant messenger, or switch screen-names if I find it useful for interacting at Oxford. I’m not saying good-bye, I’ll still have my e-mail address open and waiting for hellos, but I imagine the motive for contact isn’t strong enough for most to use it.
So, if I seem inquisitive as of late. If I seem like I want to know all the answers to questions that should have been asked long ago. If I seem like I am trying to find a greater meaning in everything that has led up to this point, it is because I am planning to end this chapter, take a breath, and try and start without too much looking back. I might do some serious driving around an interrogating this summer while looking for my answers, so don’t be surprised when you hear your doorbell ringing.
And most likely, a year later when I come up for air, I’ll be disciplined enough to open the floodgates again, and learn what wonders everyone else has spent the year cooking up.
But is this exposure really a component of friendship? Or is a cop-out, an excuse not to have to discuss our thoughts in real life. Have we cheapened real disclosure by favoring this distance self-inflicted breach of privacy?
I ask because what we all face is this electronic upkeep of feelings and discussion, and nothing more. Our summer will never end, and we’ll never help each other move back in again.
For some of us, this reality has hit home more than others. Some will be leaving to distant places. Many will remain close to home. Our decisions will have a profound effect on the realities we most face, and the sacrifices we must make.
This blog is not a good-bye. That will be saved for traditional Hollywood style: a shaking of hands or a warm embrace. My intention is to explain my personal goodbyes, and how they fit into the sacrifices I have decided to make.
Those that read this know, to some extent, my plan of action. The course I plan to pursue is rigorous. No longer will the difference between an A and a B+ be riding on my personal perseverance. In a relatively short time-span (9 months) I’ll have to prove to the right people than I should be allowed to progress from Goal A to Goal B. There is no room for hesitation or procrastination.
Computer games were always my procrastination of choice. I don’t exactly know why, but I’ve always enjoyed them. When faced with particularly difficult semesters, I’ve been forced to cut back or eliminate my consumption of role-playing games, first-person shooters, and real-time strategy. Despite all this, I sense that it isn’t enough. Procrastination still prevails too often, as it has taken up residence in our electric community.
All of the journals, all of the blogs, message boards, websites, online profiles, instant messaging, and various other facets of our online community have filled the gap. Thus, in order to close up that gap, I have to eliminate the ties that exploit it. This means no personal blogging, no instant messaging. This means no long debates, no shooting terrorists in LAN games. This means no updates on personal lives either way. This means almost complete silence.
I understand if this all sounds a little dramatic, but I believe that it is warranted, considering the path I have chosen to take. I have already made sacrifices in the name of my goals; I have already hurt people dear to me, those that never deserve it. To give myself anything less than a 100% fighting chance would be treason against myself.
This August, when I leave for the UK a month or so before I begin my work, I’m going to either abandon my main blog, or switch to a new one that is not associated with the livejournal community. I’ll either abandon instant messenger, or switch screen-names if I find it useful for interacting at Oxford. I’m not saying good-bye, I’ll still have my e-mail address open and waiting for hellos, but I imagine the motive for contact isn’t strong enough for most to use it.
So, if I seem inquisitive as of late. If I seem like I want to know all the answers to questions that should have been asked long ago. If I seem like I am trying to find a greater meaning in everything that has led up to this point, it is because I am planning to end this chapter, take a breath, and try and start without too much looking back. I might do some serious driving around an interrogating this summer while looking for my answers, so don’t be surprised when you hear your doorbell ringing.
And most likely, a year later when I come up for air, I’ll be disciplined enough to open the floodgates again, and learn what wonders everyone else has spent the year cooking up.
