I'm Climbing Up Those Walls Again

I just returned from the gym, where my hair, in its post-sleep-pre-shower state is all over the place. It's getting long again, which for me means it begins to grow out of the front of my head.

You'd think that red-headed solidarity would have kick in by now, but I'm afraid that I haven't managed to make very many redhead friends. Genetic preservation hasn't even led me to dating redheaded girls. For some reason I always seem to end up with brunettes, and I can never tell if it is by preference or just chance (or some sort of innate self-selection I'm unaware of).

I digress. Growing up as a redhead was not an easy task, as we are a minority that receives no special attention when we are singled out and picked on. However, I believe it pays off in the end. I'll defer to a few things I found on the net:

Everything2.com has an entry by a redheaded man.

Attractiveness

The male often bumps his red head on a glass ceiling of attractiveness. Very few of us achieve the standard of what would be called 'handsome'. Too often, 'cute' is our highest peak.

A by-product of this effect may be the slim number of red-headed male celebrities blending into the red carpet at movie premiers and gala luncheons. Name as many still living as you can; a hand and a half should suffice. Oh, hooray, they let us have David Caruso.

That's really only a half-complaint. It certainly livened up my research.

Simply put, redheaded men are not sex symbols. We have no Rita Hayworth, no Nicole Kidman, not even an Angie Everhart.

Archie did well with the ladies, but then, he's fictional.


The Wearable Palette

We daily wear a color that just doesn't go with everything. You won't catch most redheads in colors like to those with which they are naturally equipped.

Men especially tend to avoid that whole side of the spectrum; my own wardrobe is an exercise in blues, greens, and gray. If you see one of our number wearing yellow, approach with caution. He may have lost his wits.


Benefits to the Life

For many, they come few and far between. During our youth, we are subjected to outlandish name-calling, and the near continuous and undesirable attention of countless octogenarians absolutely fascinated by our hair. Later, we tend towards freckles, and we always look slightly worse under fluorescent lights than most.

But--those of us who are a bit hirsute don't show it as much as brunettes. Limited tolerance to exposure to the elements often keeps our skin smooth and hydrated, and at least when the men among us grow red beards, they match. Lots of two-tone men out there, for some bizarre reason.

And of course, whatever the sex or sexual orientation, some people are just really, really into red hair.

Addendum: 10-15-02
A new study indicates that redheads may need more anesthesia than the rest of you lot to be safely knocked out. Why? Because we're *that* @#$!ing hard. Yeah.

I must agree, society doesn't seem left very many redheaded men reach that "world's sexiest men" category. I blame the stereotyping of the media and Hollywood, who never bothers to make us the heroes. According to Ron Rosenbaum, this started quite some time ago:

But redheaded men …. You know, of course, that in the medieval Passion Plays and in Shakespeare’s time, both Judas and Shylock were played with red wigs, the scarlet color betokening their Luciferian nature. It hasn’t gotten much better since then. We’re either bad or crazy like Van Gogh. I don’t think Eric Stoltz evens things up. Redheaded women may get called fiery and passionate; redheaded men, just bad-tempered.

However, once I got out of my awkward youth, I learned that there are a large number of women who harbor a special attraction to redheaded men. Wikipedia describes these people as redophiles, although I just think of them as color blind.

In nature, male species often try very, very hard to catch the female's attention, often through running instinctive movement scripts or through a brightly colored display. While I don't know what the secret human mating dance is, I'm certainly awkward enough to attract attention through movement, and I think the red hair, combined with 6' 3'' of pure Matt, gives me an edge. Now only if I could maintain that edge once I open my mouth...

Jokes aside, I'm now quite happy I landed in this minority, and have no intention of ever moving out of it. Maybe I should start up a red-headed league at Oxford. We could then plan to take over the world. Maybe we already have? We strike at dawn.