Friday, July 02, 2004
Humberside Police Report: Case Closed
Thursday, June 25th - 2 am
Thoroughly shaken by the events that were unfolding I arrived at the front door of the Beverley Arms Inn, where Sir Miguel Zanahoria was spending the night. It took a few gold coins to get the old guard to open the door and let me in.
"I'm sorry for my hesitation, good sir, but there be something wicked in the air tonight," the old man said to my back, as I hurried up the stairs.
I burst into Sir Miguel's room unannounced, and was greeted by the stinging, horrid feeling of salt in my eyes.
"Aaaagh! AAAagh! AAAgh," I said, as I rushed into the bathroom, washing it out of my eyes. Bleary-eyed and angry, I walked calmly back into the room. Sir Miguel was standing there in boxers and suspenders, holding two salt shakers at ready. Behind him, in the bed and under the covers was a pretty, long haired lady of the evening.
When he saw what he had done, the knight immediately started apology, "Con Dios! Con Dios!" OK, so he could only say the same thing over and over, but he was saying it in a regretful tone.
I informed him about our current situation, how the Lord Slug had sent Marcel for Eliza, and how she had been taken beneath the minister for god-knows-what. Sir Miguel nodded as I recalled the last few hours for him. He placed both of his hands on my shoulders and said firmly: "Con Dios, ganaremos!"
He is currently paying his company and preparing his weaponry. I am sporting a handy stake, a large vorpal blade, and two extra large salt shakers, in holsters on my hip. Ah! Sir Miguel returns! Off we go to meet our fates!
5:00 am
I am leaving this account at the scene, hopefully to offer some sort of explanation as to what happened last night underneath and on top of the Beverley minster. Without this piece to the puzzle, I'm sure that it would have remained unsolved.
We returned to the youth hostel that Eliza was staying in when she was abducted, and proceeded, with lit torches, to make our way into the black hole that Marcel had created. We traveled for what seemed like an hour. I hate to remember the great blackness that surrounded us during the time, nor the sounds of screams and slithering that we were forced to endure. Stalked eyes all around us beckoned for us to step outside of the little circle of light we had created, but we held fast, and finally we came out of the tunnel, into a great cavern beneath the minster.
There was a stone platform in the center of the cavern, lit by a ring of torches. In the middle of it lay poor Eliza, covered from head to toe in nasty gooey icky slug slime. With her exception, the cavern appeared to me deserted, so Sir Miguel and I rappelled down the edge and leapt onto the platform.
She seemed to be asleep, and I was trying to figure ou a good way to get the slime off. I began to say the Lord's Exeptional Prayer for Slime Removal, performing all the proper rites, when Sir. Miguel pushed me aside. He then produced, from his rather big coat, a full bucket of water, which he proceeded to dump on Eliza's covered body.
The slime washed away immediately, and Eliza woke with a start. Apparently the water had been ice cold, so how Sir Miguel had managed to keep it well hidden under his coat is quite a mystery. I quickly offered my hand to the poor soaked girl, and brought her to her feet. As soon as her tush left the stone, I heard a grinding noise that seemed familiar. It was that grinding noise that you'd probably hear coming from a foley artist who was working on an Indiana Jones movie, so to me it spelled T-R-A-P.
Suddenly a ring of doors on the cavern wall opened, and our poured the evil Lord Slug's army. Carried by about 40 strong looking-slugs was the great beast himself, with that same wide grin on his face. I heard a muffeled cry behind me, and I turned to see Eliza being held by Marcel, who had a knife to her throat. How he was managing to hold a knife to her throat without hands escapes me, but he looked menacing enough as it was. Sir Miguel was frozen in place, obviously thinking up a plan of action, or shitting himself.
The slug army paused a few feet away from the base of the platform, and all grew silent. Suddenly, a great boom of laughter erupted from Lord Slug.
"Ha ha ha, my dear Mr. Collin, look where your adventuring has gotten you now! You should have grown better at fighting me by now, you've had enough practice."
This puzzled me. I spat upon the ground then looked him in his stalky eyes and said, "What are you saying you overblown bag of bile?"
He actually looked suprised for a moment. "You mean you don't know? Ho-ho-ho!" The rest of the slugs joined in his laughter for a moment. "My dear boy, do you not know of our shared history? You family has been fighting me since the day I seduced the wife of your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Do you not know that Collin is Burkina-Fasoen for "Slug Slayer?"
Something began to awaken in me, a lost set of instincts that had been hidden in me since birth. Lord Slug continued.
"I have also made it my lifes work to see your family wiped off the face of the earth with a big slimy trail, and tonight victory is finally at hand!"
Memories came flooding back to me.... memories of long-dead ancestors hearing this same speech before me. I knew then what must be done for the good of the world, and for my chances of ending up in bed with Eliza. I leapt down from the platform, vorpal blade in hand, heading straight for the Lord Slug. Several of his minions tried to block my way, but a quick slash of my blade rendered them to tiny little squishy pieces. With a growl I leapt onto the board that held L. Slug aloft, and before he could counter me, I buried my blade straight into his large Jabba The Hutt - like body. In a second, quick movement, I screwed the top off of one of my salt shakers and emptied it onto his glistening flesh, then stepped back to see the results of my work.
He seemed unphased. With a laugh he said, "Ho-ho-ho, my dear Mr. Collin, did you not know that I am King of all that calls himself slug? Did you not know that during the eternity I call my life, I have always been immune to table salt? My poor fellow, your mistake shall not bode well for you!"
I smiled. "Mr. Slug! I would have you know that what I poured on you was no ordinary salt!" He raised an eyebrow. Well, slugs don't have eyebrows, so he raised his stalk a little.
"What I poured on you, my sluggy friend, was holy salt! Blessed in the minster itself by Father Renald himself!"
A look of horror came across the fiend's face as he began to shriek like a banshee, his great body writhing and crushing the minions that carried him. The cavern began to shake. I heard a cry behind me and saw Marcel bearing Eliza away, towards a staircase in the back of the cavern. Sir Miguel ran up to me.
"Go save her! I will hold off the slug army!"
"But Sir Miguel! You can talk like a normal person!"
He smiled. "Sometimes it is necessary for the plot. Now go!"
I went. I began to run up the stairs, following the screams of Eliza, and the black slug trail that Marcel left behind him. As the rocky staircase turned into stone, I realized we must be traveling up the side of the minster. The whole place was shaking, as the impending doom of Lord Slug must somehow be connected to the foundation of this place.
Suddenly the stuffy air gave way to the crisp cool English night, and I found myself on top of one of the minster towers. Marcel's black body glistened in the moonlight. He was standing by the edge with Eliza, the knife now pointed in my direction.
I wasn't sure what to do. I had one hand on my last salt-shaker, and the other on my stake.
"Stand back or I'll cut you Collin" he said, "My Master may be gone, but I shan't leave without a prize! This lovely lady will do nicely in satisfying all my needs!"
Eliza didn't seem to accept this outcome, for with a squeal she writhed out of Marcel's grasp, and kicked him in his sluggy groin. Marcel went down, fast. His slim black body collapsed on the stone floor and was still.
Suddenly Eliza was in my arms, in tears.
"Oh Mr. Collin, you came for me! I knew you'd come for me!"
"There there sweet Eliza, everything will be ok---"
"HO-HO-HA-HA"
The tower shook. The entrance to the staircase crumbled as a giant-sized Lord Slug crawled out of it. He still had my blade stuck in his back, but it looked like a pin in his giant form.
"You've been fooled Mr. Collin," he boomed, "That was not blessed table salt!
Fuck, I thought. The man had said he was a priest. He even was dressed like one. Looks like I'm down £20. Crap.
Lord Slug began to lurch in our direction, he seemed bigger and angrier than ever.
"The end has come Mr. Collin!"
Suddenly with a shriek, Sir Miguel landed on the great form's back.
"Con Dios, ganaremos!" he yelled, as he proceeded to pee on Lord Slug. Now this may not have initially seemed like a good idea, but I was quite familiar with the knight's love of salty foods. Lord Slug was taken off balance by this new irritation and, with a little momentum to help, he tripped on Marcel's body, and fell off the edge, with the brave knight on his back. With a joint scream, followed by a big splat, the adventure ended. We looked over the edge. It wasn't pretty; thank God Eliza was.
"Oh Matthew, finally, we can be at peace!"
"Not quite yet," I said. Marcel's body was gone.
"Oh no!" Eliza said, as she realized. Her grip on me grew tighter.
"Fear not, Eliza! I shall hunt the fiend down and slay him as I, er, helped slay his master! The hot-post-adventure sex will have to wait!"
She nodded, and together we made our way back down together. A ring of fire surrounded the minster, no doubt the evil spirit of the Slug King departing. By the body of L. Slug and Sir Miguel, I shall leave this entry, to warn all others of the evils of leaving crumbs on your living room carpet, for the black slugs of the night may decide to visit you, and slime your goddamn shoes.
---Matthew Collin
Thoroughly shaken by the events that were unfolding I arrived at the front door of the Beverley Arms Inn, where Sir Miguel Zanahoria was spending the night. It took a few gold coins to get the old guard to open the door and let me in.
"I'm sorry for my hesitation, good sir, but there be something wicked in the air tonight," the old man said to my back, as I hurried up the stairs.
I burst into Sir Miguel's room unannounced, and was greeted by the stinging, horrid feeling of salt in my eyes.
"Aaaagh! AAAagh! AAAgh," I said, as I rushed into the bathroom, washing it out of my eyes. Bleary-eyed and angry, I walked calmly back into the room. Sir Miguel was standing there in boxers and suspenders, holding two salt shakers at ready. Behind him, in the bed and under the covers was a pretty, long haired lady of the evening.
When he saw what he had done, the knight immediately started apology, "Con Dios! Con Dios!" OK, so he could only say the same thing over and over, but he was saying it in a regretful tone.
I informed him about our current situation, how the Lord Slug had sent Marcel for Eliza, and how she had been taken beneath the minister for god-knows-what. Sir Miguel nodded as I recalled the last few hours for him. He placed both of his hands on my shoulders and said firmly: "Con Dios, ganaremos!"
He is currently paying his company and preparing his weaponry. I am sporting a handy stake, a large vorpal blade, and two extra large salt shakers, in holsters on my hip. Ah! Sir Miguel returns! Off we go to meet our fates!
5:00 am
I am leaving this account at the scene, hopefully to offer some sort of explanation as to what happened last night underneath and on top of the Beverley minster. Without this piece to the puzzle, I'm sure that it would have remained unsolved.
We returned to the youth hostel that Eliza was staying in when she was abducted, and proceeded, with lit torches, to make our way into the black hole that Marcel had created. We traveled for what seemed like an hour. I hate to remember the great blackness that surrounded us during the time, nor the sounds of screams and slithering that we were forced to endure. Stalked eyes all around us beckoned for us to step outside of the little circle of light we had created, but we held fast, and finally we came out of the tunnel, into a great cavern beneath the minster.
There was a stone platform in the center of the cavern, lit by a ring of torches. In the middle of it lay poor Eliza, covered from head to toe in nasty gooey icky slug slime. With her exception, the cavern appeared to me deserted, so Sir Miguel and I rappelled down the edge and leapt onto the platform.
She seemed to be asleep, and I was trying to figure ou a good way to get the slime off. I began to say the Lord's Exeptional Prayer for Slime Removal, performing all the proper rites, when Sir. Miguel pushed me aside. He then produced, from his rather big coat, a full bucket of water, which he proceeded to dump on Eliza's covered body.
The slime washed away immediately, and Eliza woke with a start. Apparently the water had been ice cold, so how Sir Miguel had managed to keep it well hidden under his coat is quite a mystery. I quickly offered my hand to the poor soaked girl, and brought her to her feet. As soon as her tush left the stone, I heard a grinding noise that seemed familiar. It was that grinding noise that you'd probably hear coming from a foley artist who was working on an Indiana Jones movie, so to me it spelled T-R-A-P.
Suddenly a ring of doors on the cavern wall opened, and our poured the evil Lord Slug's army. Carried by about 40 strong looking-slugs was the great beast himself, with that same wide grin on his face. I heard a muffeled cry behind me, and I turned to see Eliza being held by Marcel, who had a knife to her throat. How he was managing to hold a knife to her throat without hands escapes me, but he looked menacing enough as it was. Sir Miguel was frozen in place, obviously thinking up a plan of action, or shitting himself.
The slug army paused a few feet away from the base of the platform, and all grew silent. Suddenly, a great boom of laughter erupted from Lord Slug.
"Ha ha ha, my dear Mr. Collin, look where your adventuring has gotten you now! You should have grown better at fighting me by now, you've had enough practice."
This puzzled me. I spat upon the ground then looked him in his stalky eyes and said, "What are you saying you overblown bag of bile?"
He actually looked suprised for a moment. "You mean you don't know? Ho-ho-ho!" The rest of the slugs joined in his laughter for a moment. "My dear boy, do you not know of our shared history? You family has been fighting me since the day I seduced the wife of your great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather. Do you not know that Collin is Burkina-Fasoen for "Slug Slayer?"
Something began to awaken in me, a lost set of instincts that had been hidden in me since birth. Lord Slug continued.
"I have also made it my lifes work to see your family wiped off the face of the earth with a big slimy trail, and tonight victory is finally at hand!"
Memories came flooding back to me.... memories of long-dead ancestors hearing this same speech before me. I knew then what must be done for the good of the world, and for my chances of ending up in bed with Eliza. I leapt down from the platform, vorpal blade in hand, heading straight for the Lord Slug. Several of his minions tried to block my way, but a quick slash of my blade rendered them to tiny little squishy pieces. With a growl I leapt onto the board that held L. Slug aloft, and before he could counter me, I buried my blade straight into his large Jabba The Hutt - like body. In a second, quick movement, I screwed the top off of one of my salt shakers and emptied it onto his glistening flesh, then stepped back to see the results of my work.
He seemed unphased. With a laugh he said, "Ho-ho-ho, my dear Mr. Collin, did you not know that I am King of all that calls himself slug? Did you not know that during the eternity I call my life, I have always been immune to table salt? My poor fellow, your mistake shall not bode well for you!"
I smiled. "Mr. Slug! I would have you know that what I poured on you was no ordinary salt!" He raised an eyebrow. Well, slugs don't have eyebrows, so he raised his stalk a little.
"What I poured on you, my sluggy friend, was holy salt! Blessed in the minster itself by Father Renald himself!"
A look of horror came across the fiend's face as he began to shriek like a banshee, his great body writhing and crushing the minions that carried him. The cavern began to shake. I heard a cry behind me and saw Marcel bearing Eliza away, towards a staircase in the back of the cavern. Sir Miguel ran up to me.
"Go save her! I will hold off the slug army!"
"But Sir Miguel! You can talk like a normal person!"
He smiled. "Sometimes it is necessary for the plot. Now go!"
I went. I began to run up the stairs, following the screams of Eliza, and the black slug trail that Marcel left behind him. As the rocky staircase turned into stone, I realized we must be traveling up the side of the minster. The whole place was shaking, as the impending doom of Lord Slug must somehow be connected to the foundation of this place.
Suddenly the stuffy air gave way to the crisp cool English night, and I found myself on top of one of the minster towers. Marcel's black body glistened in the moonlight. He was standing by the edge with Eliza, the knife now pointed in my direction.
I wasn't sure what to do. I had one hand on my last salt-shaker, and the other on my stake.
"Stand back or I'll cut you Collin" he said, "My Master may be gone, but I shan't leave without a prize! This lovely lady will do nicely in satisfying all my needs!"
Eliza didn't seem to accept this outcome, for with a squeal she writhed out of Marcel's grasp, and kicked him in his sluggy groin. Marcel went down, fast. His slim black body collapsed on the stone floor and was still.
Suddenly Eliza was in my arms, in tears.
"Oh Mr. Collin, you came for me! I knew you'd come for me!"
"There there sweet Eliza, everything will be ok---"
"HO-HO-HA-HA"
The tower shook. The entrance to the staircase crumbled as a giant-sized Lord Slug crawled out of it. He still had my blade stuck in his back, but it looked like a pin in his giant form.
"You've been fooled Mr. Collin," he boomed, "That was not blessed table salt!
Fuck, I thought. The man had said he was a priest. He even was dressed like one. Looks like I'm down £20. Crap.
Lord Slug began to lurch in our direction, he seemed bigger and angrier than ever.
"The end has come Mr. Collin!"
Suddenly with a shriek, Sir Miguel landed on the great form's back.
"Con Dios, ganaremos!" he yelled, as he proceeded to pee on Lord Slug. Now this may not have initially seemed like a good idea, but I was quite familiar with the knight's love of salty foods. Lord Slug was taken off balance by this new irritation and, with a little momentum to help, he tripped on Marcel's body, and fell off the edge, with the brave knight on his back. With a joint scream, followed by a big splat, the adventure ended. We looked over the edge. It wasn't pretty; thank God Eliza was.
"Oh Matthew, finally, we can be at peace!"
"Not quite yet," I said. Marcel's body was gone.
"Oh no!" Eliza said, as she realized. Her grip on me grew tighter.
"Fear not, Eliza! I shall hunt the fiend down and slay him as I, er, helped slay his master! The hot-post-adventure sex will have to wait!"
She nodded, and together we made our way back down together. A ring of fire surrounded the minster, no doubt the evil spirit of the Slug King departing. By the body of L. Slug and Sir Miguel, I shall leave this entry, to warn all others of the evils of leaving crumbs on your living room carpet, for the black slugs of the night may decide to visit you, and slime your goddamn shoes.
---Matthew Collin
